This past weekend I waged war against myself. What does this mean? I'll explain....
In life, we hear of people waging war against society or countries or causes. This is typical and very understandable; however, what if the enemy is not external. What if the deterrence to your aspirations lies completely below the surface? How can this be? Easy, my friend.
Before I moved to Israel, I thought of myself as a very confident person. I lived on my own, paid my own bills, drove places, filed my own taxes and simply found the solutions to my problems in a confident manner...for the most part. I believed my identity to be that of someone with a healthy self esteem and confidence. I was not fearful of moving continents or learning a whole new culture and language. Yes, I was confident....
Since moving to Israel, some of that has changed. I still believe myself to be a confident person, but my identity has taken some hard knocks. Learning the language has proven more difficult then I anticipated. I do admit that I have high standards for myself, but still, I had hoped to be speaking at ease by now - a year into being a citizen. The Israeli culture is also one of complexity. There are some many different cultural influences due to the fact that our country is basically all immigrants - some old and some new. I love to communicate and not being able to fully express myself has caused this once very outgoing person to migrate further into my home where the safety levels seem higher.
This is where the idea of waging war against myself comes in. I want to fully communicate with people and I want to feel the freedom of accomplishing desired task. I believe myself to be a confident person despite my recent very shy exterior. I must fight the thoughts of defeat, frustration, annoyance and plan old urges to throw myself down like a 2 year old and scream, "I can't! I can't! I can't" My outside identity is one way and my inside identity is another. I admire the inside more then the outside. I want them to match. So, every day, I take a step. A small step. I try a new word. I attempt to run an errand by myself. I drive on a new street. I greet people after service. I dream a little more and I plan my next attack on the feelings of incompetence.
I believe I can win this war, but it's a very different style then I'm use to. This war will take much longer and will ask a lot of me. Is it worth it? I believe so. One day I will walk across enemy lines and casually say, אני יכולה לדבר עברית. אני מבינה הכול. תודה
In life, we hear of people waging war against society or countries or causes. This is typical and very understandable; however, what if the enemy is not external. What if the deterrence to your aspirations lies completely below the surface? How can this be? Easy, my friend.
Before I moved to Israel, I thought of myself as a very confident person. I lived on my own, paid my own bills, drove places, filed my own taxes and simply found the solutions to my problems in a confident manner...for the most part. I believed my identity to be that of someone with a healthy self esteem and confidence. I was not fearful of moving continents or learning a whole new culture and language. Yes, I was confident....
Since moving to Israel, some of that has changed. I still believe myself to be a confident person, but my identity has taken some hard knocks. Learning the language has proven more difficult then I anticipated. I do admit that I have high standards for myself, but still, I had hoped to be speaking at ease by now - a year into being a citizen. The Israeli culture is also one of complexity. There are some many different cultural influences due to the fact that our country is basically all immigrants - some old and some new. I love to communicate and not being able to fully express myself has caused this once very outgoing person to migrate further into my home where the safety levels seem higher.
This is where the idea of waging war against myself comes in. I want to fully communicate with people and I want to feel the freedom of accomplishing desired task. I believe myself to be a confident person despite my recent very shy exterior. I must fight the thoughts of defeat, frustration, annoyance and plan old urges to throw myself down like a 2 year old and scream, "I can't! I can't! I can't" My outside identity is one way and my inside identity is another. I admire the inside more then the outside. I want them to match. So, every day, I take a step. A small step. I try a new word. I attempt to run an errand by myself. I drive on a new street. I greet people after service. I dream a little more and I plan my next attack on the feelings of incompetence.
I believe I can win this war, but it's a very different style then I'm use to. This war will take much longer and will ask a lot of me. Is it worth it? I believe so. One day I will walk across enemy lines and casually say, אני יכולה לדבר עברית. אני מבינה הכול. תודה
